Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
