Sorry, I don't speak sober.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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