My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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