My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
