I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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