Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
