I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
