Just took my morning after pill in the library
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
