Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Damn victory sex feels great
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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