Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
