I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
