i think my mom watched the whole time
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
