Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
