He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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