I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
