Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i already hear my dad disowning me
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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