Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
