we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
