My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I will be naked everywhere
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
