I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
this is an emotional support booty call
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
