I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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