I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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