I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
