Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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