I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
