What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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