he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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