Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
