Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
