Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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