anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
