Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
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His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to sanitize my soul.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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