When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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