I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm passing your future prison.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
