Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
