I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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