porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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