ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
