I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
