I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
birth control should be required to get into college
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
