Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
