It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
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I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
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Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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