I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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