Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
