We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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