She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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