I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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