New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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