i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
