paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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