My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
