Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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