I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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