This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
