I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
