I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
