pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
