I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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