I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
