we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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