Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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